MAUREEN [looking out the window]:   Roger, are all those men out there waiting for you?

ROGER:  Yes they are.

ED [screaming]: What men?!!!!

MAUREEN [sarcastic, looking directly at ED]:  The ones in dark suits, talking into their wristwatches.

HOLLY  [exasperated):  Are there really men out there?

ED:  OK, great. So you've got a royal sendoff to jail, that really doesn't change that much, you know? I mean, you came here to tell us not to worry about Blake. You know, you're almost 15 years too late with that advice. Because you see, Holly and I worried about Blake when she skinned her knee, when she got the chicken pox, when she came home late from school. Where were you then, Roger? Off playing some cloak and dagger war games? And if you think this makes you some kind of hero, if you think this changes any of that, you're wrong. Because you are still the same person you were when you slipped from my grasp in Santo Domingo, that's who you are.

MAUREEN [cheery]:   Well!  Since we're all up, anybody for coffee !!!???

ROGER:  Oh, thanks, that'd be nice.

MAUREEN  [looking in the cabinet]:  I keep the filters here, unless you moved them...but no....

ED:  Maureen....?!!!

MAUREEN:  Yes, yes, yes! I am making decaffeinated!

ED:  What are you doing here?

MAUREEN:  Oh, um....Michelle ... uh, has a field trip today from day camp and ... I'm sure I told you about this, didn't I?

ED:  No, you didn't.

MAUREEN:  Oh yes, I'm sure I did. You were just probably too busy to remember.   Anyway, she wanted her "Sheena of the Jungle" lunchbox, so, I came over to get it.

ED:  In the middle of the night?

MAUREEN: Oh, you know how kids are about these things, right Holly?   Oh, and while I have you here, I need your signature on this "Physician's Consent" form.

ED:  I don't believe this!

MAUREEN:  Oh, no, this is really quite ordinary. It happens all the time.

ED:  No, I don't believe anything that's happening here!

MAUREEN:  Oh ...oh, this. I think it's very exciting that Roger is a spy.

HOLLY:  Roger is a criminal!

ROGER: Actually, you flatter me, Mrs. Bauer. I haven't  been on active assignment for quite some time.

MAUREEN:  You were a scalp hunter though, right? Oh, I'm sorry.

ROGER:  Oh, that's quite alright. And, unfortunately, it's pretty accurate.

MAUREEN: Well, how did they recruit you for all this?

ROGER:  Well, a man named Vaughn put be back together again  and trained me and shipped me off to the Middle East to keep the world safe for democracy.

MAUREEN:  Wow, you must've been really good if they sent you to the Middle East.

ROGER:  Well, there and Eastern Europe. Actually, Rumania was this man's idea  of a big joke because he knew how much I hated borscht.

MAUREEN [she laughs]:  So, this Vaughn guy must've been your control?

ROGER  [impressed, kidding her]:  Hey, you seem to know a lot about my line of work.   You're not a double-agent or anything, are you?

MAUREEN:  Oh, no. I just read a lot of spy novels. Milk?

ROGER:  No, but some sugar if you have it would be nice.

MAUREEN:  OK.

ROGER:  Thank you.

MAUREEN:  Oh, Ed, the sugar isn't here. Roger wants sugar. Could you ...

ED  [screaming]:  WHY IS HE STILL HERE?!?!?!   Why are you here? You said what you had to say now get out!!! GO!!!

ROGER:  Actually, the feds are probably getting pretty antsy.

MAUREEN:  Where are they taking you?

ROGER:  Well, there's still the issue of my past crimes.

ED:  Oh, a big joke to you I'm sure, but pretty serious to some of us!

HOLLY [very dramatic]:  I hope you rot for what you've done.

MAUREEN:  Holly? Do you want some coffee?

HOLLY:  For the record, you had no right to ship my daughter off without talking to me about it first.

ROGER:  She's my daughter too. And she went of her own free will.  I didn't think it was necessary to call you and interrupt your "quality time" together.

HOLLY:  You amoral monster. You don't know how much I hate you.

ED:  Alright, alright. That's enough.  You said what you had to say, now get out. Go on, go.

HOLLY:  No, no. He's not going to leave until you hear what I have to say.

HOLLY:  I don't know what you want or what's going to happen next, but whatever it is,  I'll be ready for it. You don't frighten me anymore, and you're not going to stare me down again.

ROGER:  Relax Holly. I'm in federal custody now.

HOLLY [he walks around her, and notices when she grabs at his arm]: Oh! If the jaws of death can't hold you the FBI surely can't!  Besides I can see you're calling the shots. You've got them chauffeuring you around in the middle of the night, disturbing people's sleep.

MAUREEN [her voice icy and dripping with sarcasm]: Oh, so now we're sleeping.

HOLLY:  Why God lets you live and breathe is beyond me. But I'm telling you something.  If you somehow manage to get out of the mess you're in, you're gonna leave Blake and me alone. Do you understand that? Do you hear me?                                     

ROGER:  Hey, Blake makes her own decisions.

HOLLY:  Not this time. Not where you're involved.

ROGER:  See, that was always one of your biggest failings Holly.  Thinking that other people's lives revolved around yours.

HOLLY:  My biggest failings? You listen to me ...  let's talk about your past crimes.

ROGER:  You listen to me! If Christina -- GOT THAT?  -- Christina wants me in her life,  I'll be in it. See, we don't need your permission!

ED: OK, that's it. Get out of my house, now.

AGENT:  Dr. Bauer's right. Time's up.

ED:  Wait a minute. He hasn't told us where Blake is.

AGENT:  That information is the province of another agency.

ED:  What is the CIA coming to?

AGENT:  I can assure you both, wherever Ms. Lindsey is, she went of her own free will.

ED:  OK, get him out of here. And don't let him set foot in my home again.

MAUREEN: I'm not going to set foot in your home again tonight. I just need Michelle's lunchbox and I can't find it.

ED:  Oh, well, I put that over here.

MAUREEN:  Oh, no wonder. I wonder what the rest of the house looks like?

ED [handing it to her]:  Here.

MAUREEN:  Thank you.

ROGER: Um, could I offer you a lift Mrs. Bauer?

AGENT: There's a limo outside full of agents.  I can promise you you'd be safe.

MAUREEN:  Oh, thank you both very much, but I have my own car.

ED:  Look, I'm sorry about...

MAUREEN [cutting him off]:  Ed....go to bed. Try to get some sleep.  And I think I'm gonna be keeping Michelle with me for awhile.

ED: What ?!!?

MAUREEN:  Well, I think it would be a little confusing for a child to see  another woman in my bathrobe toting a pistol. Goodnight.

AGENT: Mrs. Bauer.

MAUREEN [to the Agent]:  Goodnight.

[As she's walking out, MAUREEN turns and waves to ROGER, her tone very friendly].

MAUREEN:  Roger.

ROGER [waving back; he smiles]:  A great pleasure Mrs. Bauer.

MAUREEN [not so friendly]:  Holly.

AGENT:  Let's go.

ROGER:  Nite Ed. Sorry for the intrusion.   Sweet dreams Holly.

The Kitchen Incident
Scenes I and II 

Email  ThorpeRenaldi@michaelzaslow.com  

Copyright © 1999 by Michael Zaslow's ZazAngels. All rights reserved.
01/04/06 05:14:39 PM